humor

Dear Beastwoman I just saw at Walmart

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Dear lady of large size dressed in an interesting manner,

As I write this, your wide body is perusing the aisle between pet care and hair products. At this point, I am thinking the pet care products may be for you, and the hair care is for your critter.

Sorry, that was harsh.

As you bend over and expose 4 feet of butt crack (and I quickly avert my eyes to prevent being turned to stone) I make a mental note that, when I cross get a tattoo” off my Bucket List, I will be sure and not to get one directly above my ass crack. There’s something about zits and hairy freckles that detract from the artistry of a tattoo. Especially on an three-foot-across canvas.

Even though I too am a WOS (Women Of Size ) and am currently in a 2X, I still do not wear clothes that scream Pushing Maximum Capacity!!” I feel like I should quickly find an item to fashion into a shield. Cuz, if the top button on your shorty-shorts blows…it’s gonna put someones eyes out.

A big part of me is extremely envious as to how comfortable you are with your body and in your own skin. A bigger part of of me wants to high-tail it to the Bed and Bath section to find a lovely fitted sheet to cover you with.

Oh yeah, and thanks for wearing a tank with no bra. Helga and Olga may want to give the world a peek, but as a Mom I really don’t want to deal with endless questions from my rugats as to “What are those two big knobs on the front of that ladies shirt?” or  “Look Mom, her high-beams are on.”

Oh yeah, it was hubby that said that last one.

Did you not know it was cold inside this store? That your frontal orbs would blossom into the size on Bing Cherries?  Or were you just wanting an alternative place to hang your car keys?

Hence the fitted sheet idea keeps sounding better and may JUST be the final accessory you need.

We will have to make sure it doesn’t get tangled up in the hoop earring you could jump a Labrador Retriever through or the Necklace that looks like you borrowed from Mr T.

It’s all good. We will make it work for you.

P.S if you don’t mind letting me know where you got the shorty-shorts from, I’d appreciate it. Actually, hubby would appreciate it. Thanks.

25 thoughts on “Dear Beastwoman I just saw at Walmart

  1. yikes – sounds like you were in a walmart near me… I try to avoid them on pain of losing vision, but when I do venture in, I try to only look at the products and not the other purchasers…
    hope you recovered!

  2. “cootie cutting shorts and midriff bearing tops” *giggle*snort*snort
    Damn. That was funny.

  3. Yeah when I go to Walmart to peep out the genetic anomalies, I mean to buy stuff that’s cheap, I am always amazed at what a high concentration of creepy that store seems to carry. It’s amazing really. And, yeah sometimes I wish I could have the confidence to wear cootie cutting shorts and midriff bearing tops without wanting to puke on my own feet. Regrettably, I was born with a conscious and if I subjected the world to that kinda icky I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. Ever.

  4. heehee. Thanks Blonde Duck! YES, my weekend was “Beast” free. BUT the County Fair starts today. I should be able to get a “Beastwomen Part Deux” story after visiting there 😉

  5. OMG, this was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!! You were on top of your game on this one!! I’m going to mention it on MY blog!! Loved it!!

  6. I’m not plus-sized – but I’m not petite, and I’m kinda busty.

    There are just certain things, given my body-type, that I don’t wear.

    I think people should try to find clothing that suits them, whatever their size.

    And wear bras in public. That’s a big one too… .;)

    A very descriptive post – I definitely had a visual.

  7. You see all sorts of things in a Walmart. You wonder if they own a mirror. You don’t have to look horrible no matter what your size. Funny internal dialogue.

  8. You have me laughing so hard at this! I love the “pushing maximum capacity”. Seriously, some people just don’t get it!

  9. well, i am sorry you had to experience one of those humorous “wal-mart people” emails in person! you’re such a great writer! i keep coming back for the laughs! good luck recovering 🙂

  10. Yikes. Scary. And please tell me you got a picture. You got to wonder about some of these people that have no problem being fat and letting it show. I’m a 2x myself, and I wouldn’t want to scare innocent people.

  11. Ooooh, this is a rough visual to face at 6:30 in the morning! She does sound like a beast!

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