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My Name is CROW: The One Distracted By Shiny Objects

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{update 2016-this was written “back in the day” when I was working for The Man. Still pretty darn funny all these years later!}

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5:01: Alarm goes off. My clock actually reads 5:15, but that’s because I’ve set it forward 14 minutes. Like faking myself out makes getting up at this ungodly hour any easier.

5:03: I pry my carcass out of bed and fire up my computer. I zip downstairs for a “speed pee” and then back to my ‘puter.

5:07: I sit down at my Dell. determined I will get some blogging done today. I will. I WILL. I need to get ready for The Abyss my delightful job by no later that 6:30 6:40 6:45. And that time between now and then FLIES. Need to write.NeedtowriteNeedtowrite.

5:08: But first I must check my Gmail. Quickly. But I have to. There might be a golden opportunity or a customer wanting to pay me $100, 000.00 to blog for them. Yes, I am that good.

5:09: Ohh looky! A new blog. Mama likey. Ok, ok, ok…I’ll just give it a peek, subscribe and some back to it later. Oohhh loook. She has an awesome blogroll…..

5:30: Sh*t where did the time go?! Apparently I got distracted (again) by Shiny objects (blogs) and more shiny Objects (Facebook). With a side order of Shinier Objects (Twitter). Focus! Oh wait! There’s an offer for a free sample of Shiny Objects! (Folgers Coffee).

5:35: Verbal “thwack” to the head. Back to blogging. Seriously. Quit dickin around.

5:37: *Ping of “new email” chimes faintly in the background. My BP rises and palms start to sweat. Soooo, who was it? Another newsletter I’ll never have time to read? Flo from Progressive wanting me to be her replacement? That million dollar offer I’ve been waiting for?

5:38. (check) None of the above. *sigh*. FOCUS.

5:45: Freddy (the dog), what do you want? You gotta pee? Are you serious? Can’t you just cross your legs? I’m groovin here. Hold it? NO? Sh*t.

6:00: Note to self: Teach Fred the fine art of the “speed pee.”

6:01: (back in office chair) Hold up, before I begin I better do something I haven’t done in 24 hours; check eBay. Maybe there’s a bidding war going on over my NIP Bunn CoffeeMaker Grounds Basket or my SpyKids baseball cap. I need some jing to bulk up my BlogHer 2017 fund.

6:03: Nada. Nothing sold. Poo. Must write now.

6:15: Oh Lord-love-a-duck my bowels are awakening. Are you seriously? Can’t you wait? No? FRICK. Damn coffee.

6:25: OK. Hardcore, I am writing like NOW. Yes now. Wait! I forgot I need to do some posting for my Social Media customers! Cccrrraaappp! Hootsuite, here I come.

6:40: Since I am rapidly running out of time to post anything on my site, I pull my favorite corner-cutting-I-have-no-time-manuever; I’ll post a dumb video and call it a day. Videos are good right? Readers love videos, yes? Though the dog video entitled Bruno Needs to Poop is tempting, I opt for Wild Side Animal VoiceOvers. At the Kingdom of TIRED, we just can’t get too serious about things.

6:45: What Fred? Pee AGAIN? Arg. I’m getting you diapers.

6:49: Oohhh, so you CAN speed pee? Fabulous. Time to get ready for the 9-5 day job already.

6:50: Depression sets in.

6:55: Hubby reminds me it’s my day to do the cross-country-trek to daycare. An eff-bomb escapes my lips. 

6:56 Let me check my Hotmail one.more.time. I really need that $100,000.00 job offer. Like, ASAP.

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2 thoughts on “My Name is CROW: The One Distracted By Shiny Objects

  1. ha! also. don’t you have a laptop you can carry with you into the bathroom as you poo?

    also. maybe i do and maybe i don’t.

  2. omg! stop making me laugh me a$$ off at work. lol. boringly folding invoices…so how does your daughter like having a boy dog? PS that’s my night after my kid goes to sleep…last night i made myself have an electronicless night! peesssswhatever…when is your convention? i want to hire you to vamp up my blog 🙂 hope you’re fabulous!

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