Confessions of a Crappy Gardener

So as you can tell from prior posts, I am elbow deep in my initiative embrace my new inner Green Thumb.  However, if past history repeats itself, it will more likely be an outer Black Thumb….but I am willing to give gardening another try.

Last year was the first year I kinda felt like “I got this” when it came to growing stuff. I was the proud owner of a bumper crop of red peppers (which only one out of four of us in the house eat), about  2 cups of peas (still in the pod, mind you), one lonely squash, a runt of a watermelon that the squirrels ultimately chowed, and about 5 string beans.

But still, it was an upgrade from the year before.

my PLG

So this year, I am heavily leaning on online experts and garden gurus to make this year different. So basically, if my garden bombs, it’s their fault.

So as I voraciously read and research on how to be “that neighbor” who has a bounty of veggies that could feed a community, I figured I’d go all Garden Ninja and order an indoor greenhouse to get a jump start on the 5-10 minute growing season that Minnesota has.

I’ve also encountered a slew of gardening Best Practice that has me a tad puzzled. One tip that I’ve garnered from the pros while working to prep my WannaBe Garden of Bounty is a technique called “hoeing.”

I guess letting said weeds and plants co-mingle and live in peace and harmony is NOT a Gardening Best Practice. Who knew?

“Many people handle the hoe awkwardly. The chief work of this implement is to rid the soil of weeds and stir up the top surface. It is used in summer to form that mulch of dust so valuable in retaining moisture in the soil. I often see gardeners chop weeds into atoms and spending too much time doing so. Hoeing should never be such vigorous exercise as that. Spading is vigorous, hard work, but not hoeing and raking. Pro gardeners know to leave their weeds topside to act as a gentle blanket of future mulch.”

They lost me at “vigorous exercise.” Also, the thought of leaving annihilated weed corpses lying about like a bad scene from an unwanted plant horror movie freaks me out a little. I also firmly believe that these weeds could possibly only be playing possum and will come back to haunt me with vigor and vengeance.

I have this premonition of pissed off weeds lining up outside my patio window making rude gestures with their leaves and fronds.

Maybe I am thinking too deeply into this, but hey, it could happen.

Paralyzing hypotheticals aside, I can tell that in order to make this garden a success, I am going to have to become a Hoe Appreciator. A hoe fan, if you will.

I predict me and my new favorite hoe will have some great summer adventures together. Pray for me.

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