Is it me, or is there some pretty kick-butt products out there these days?
You know, the kind of stuff Billy Mays would have been yelling at you to buy. Items that for a second, you find yourself toying with the cellphone in your pocket and seriously contemplating buying?
There’s some pretty dumb ones too. Toys especially.
Kung Zhu Pets Ninja Warrior Hamster? Are you effing kidding me?
I actually saw an ad on TV for a toy doggy that pees. Yes, PEES. I am not sure if they are girl “squatter pee-ers” or “Boy leg-lifter pee-ers“, but if someone wants one read bad for little Johnny, come by my house I can hook you up with the real live version courtesy of The Mutt Across The Street.
Some of these crazy inventions make me want to smack my forehead and mutter “Duh! Why didn’t I think of that!” cuz they are just so darn..obvious.
So that got me thinking. Let’s say that I could have attached my name to any of the products available on the market now. Which would be defined as “Franticmommy’s Things She Wished She Would Have Invented.”
Side Note: And if I would have invented this crap, you’d bet your britches I wouldn’t be schelping paper clips for a living right now. I’d be on a beach somewhere drinking a Marguerita and getting a massage from some hot pool boy with limited English. Booyah.
1. The Pee Target for Kids: Whodathunk a round-bulls-eye-piss-target for Potty Training Kids would be such a hit (no pun intended).
2. Post It Notes. Did you know these were actually a mistake? The scientist who created this adhesive was really trying to create a super-strength glue. The bottom line is I use these handy little notes.Every.Damn.Day. Whether it’s a polite note to a co-worker or a threatening expletive filled one to my spouse to clean the $$##@@!! fish tank, I can’t imagine life without Post Its.
3. Fireworks: What would the 4th of July be without Fireworks? I am sure we are not the only family who resists ordering out for pizza cuz it’s “so ‘spensive”, refills our bottles of water (remember that if you come to my house and I offer you something to drink), and yet will spend an astronomical amount of jing on powder and fuses that go “bang” and last for 4.5 seconds. As I type this, the knucklebutt tourists down the road are STILL blasting their fireworks. If they don’t knock it off by my kid’s bedtime, they may get a Sizzling Black Cat Popper enema.
4. The Automobile Portable DVD Player. God bless whoever invented this (I wish it was me). We can now make the 4.5 hour voyage to our cabin without Mommy needing to be heavily medicated and pretending to sleep half the way there. I bow to your greatness o’ inventor of the Car DVD Player. Oh, and spare me the lectures on the “electronic babysitter cop-out”. Don’t even go there. Start that and I will hunt you down and make YOU ride for 4 hours in a rolling, confined space with my two little wild animals.
5. The Pantyhose: Despite the fact I am fairly sure a DUDE invented these (no women would subject such torture intentionally upon another women) I do live in awe of the fact that for $2.99, my legs can look less like a plowed field with mosquito bites, and more like a Tanned Beach Goddess. But only in rooms that aren’t brightly lit enough to perform Lasiks. And only if I exposure areas from the knee down. If they ever come out with Cellulite Erasing Panty Hose..I’m all over it baby.
What inventions do you wish you would have thought of??