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5 Things I Wish I Woulda Invented

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Is it me, or is there some pretty kick-butt products out there these days?

You know, the kind of stuff Billy Mays would have been yelling at you to buy. Items that for a second, you find yourself toying with the cellphone in your pocket and seriously contemplating buying?

There’s some pretty dumb ones too. Toys especially.

Kung Zhu Pets Ninja Warrior Hamster? Are you effing kidding me?

Somewhere some dude at the Zhu-Zhu Company is counting his millions and cackling,  “let’s dress them like aging Grunge Rockers from Seattle and call then Zhu Fighters! And make sure their little critter guitars and gear Only Sold Separately!” (insert maniacal cackle here).

I actually saw an ad on TV for a toy doggy that pees. Yes, PEES. I am not sure if they are girl “squatter pee-ers” or “Boy leg-lifter pee-ers“, but if someone wants one read bad for little Johnny, come by my house I can hook you up with the real live version courtesy of The Mutt Across The Street.

Some of these crazy inventions make me want to smack my forehead and mutter “Duh! Why didn’t I think of that!” cuz they are just so darn..obvious.

So that got me thinking. Let’s say that I could have attached my name to any of the products available on the market now. Which would be defined as Franticmommy’s Things She Wished She Would Have Invented.”

Side Note: And if I would have invented this crap, you’d bet your britches I wouldn’t be schelping paper clips for a living right now. I’d be on a beach somewhere drinking a Marguerita and getting a massage from some hot pool boy with limited English. Booyah.



1. The Pee Target for Kids: Whodathunk a round-bulls-eye-piss-target for Potty Training Kids would be such a hit (no pun intended).


2. Post It Notes. Did you know these were actually a mistake? The scientist who created this adhesive was really trying to create a super-strength glue. The bottom line is I use these handy little notes.Every.Damn.Day. Whether it’s a polite note to a co-worker or a threatening expletive filled one to my spouse to clean the $$##@@!! fish tank, I can’t imagine life without Post Its.

3. Fireworks: What would the 4th of July be without Fireworks? I am sure we are not the only family who resists ordering out for pizza cuz it’s “so ‘spensive”, refills our bottles of water (remember that if you come to my house and I offer you something to drink),  and yet will spend an astronomical amount of jing on powder and fuses that go “bang” and last for 4.5 seconds. As I type this, the knucklebutt tourists down the road are STILL blasting their fireworks. If they don’t knock it off by my kid’s bedtime, they may get a Sizzling Black Cat Popper enema.

4. The Automobile Portable DVD Player. God bless whoever invented this (I wish it was me). We can now make the 4.5 hour voyage to our cabin without Mommy needing to be heavily medicated and pretending to sleep half the way there. I bow to your greatness o’ inventor of the Car DVD Player. Oh, and spare me the lectures on the “electronic babysitter cop-out”. Don’t even go there. Start that and I will hunt you down and make YOU ride for 4 hours in a rolling, confined space with my two little wild animals.


5. The Pantyhose: Despite the fact I am fairly sure a DUDE invented these (no women would subject such torture intentionally upon another women) I do live in awe of the fact that for $2.99, my legs can look less like a plowed field with mosquito bites, and more like a Tanned Beach Goddess. But only in rooms that aren’t brightly lit enough to perform Lasiks. And only if I exposure areas from the knee down. If they ever come out with Cellulite Erasing Panty Hose..I’m all over it baby.

What inventions do you wish you would have thought of??

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13 thoughts on “5 Things I Wish I Woulda Invented

  1. there are so many I couldn’t count them all, however, one of my favorites besides Post It Notes is the apple slicer, that slices and cores the apple in one shot. Love it, but I’m sure I’ll lop off a finger one day, that sucker is SHARP!

  2. I am so with you on the inventions. There are so many that I have seen and think that is so simple, duh!!

  3. I know I’ve said many times that I wish I would have come up with this or that. Some things are so simple and logical that you can’t figure out what took anybody so long to do it!

  4. I actually DID invent something.
    But, alas, I did not patent it. Also. It may have been invented before, but I didn’t know it.
    The rear windshield wiper. Yep.
    **sighs**

  5. “I don’t think wine has much SPF in it”…

    heehee. Love.That! I’m gonna make that into a t-shirt!

    DF: I just saw those “Silly Bandz” too. I am I DID smack my forehead and think “why didn’t I think of that!”. That dude probably has my spot at the beach & my pool boy 🙁

  6. Today when I went to tan on my lunch hour and they had this stuff called “Twilight Teeth”. Tooth whitener you brush on and is activated by UV rays. Hello? Whiten your teeth while you tan – why the Hell couldn’t I think of that?

    And I know, I know – tanning is bad for you. But I’m going to the lake this weekend with 17 other girls from the class of 83 and I don’t think wine has much SPF in it. Or at least helps you remember to put some on. I’ve only been going for two weeks so I at least have some melanin built up and won’t blind those around me with the ghostly white appendages.

  7. Cheerios…the ultimate todder/kid food.

    I’ve been traveling, just got back yesterday, so only just now got to see your cool new blog design. Love it! So summery and cheerful!

  8. Guess what? My mom KNEW the dude who invented the paper clip. Dumbass sold the patent for like, 300 bucks.

  9. Hey Cassiopeia! Love you name. Did you know Cassiopeia was a charachter on Battlestar Galactica? More random, dorky thoughts from Franticmommy 🙂
    Michael Nesmith from the Monkees Mom actually invented typewriter correction tape. I believe it was those little pieces of correction paper that people would stick down in the typewriter when the made a boo-boo. Being in the office products industry for 28 years will get me all sorts of this useless..um..useful info. Plus free Post It Notes *giggle*snort*snort.

  10. I would go with the K-Cup machine. I worship at the temple of K-cups every morning and wonder who I lived my life without an individual hot cup of coffee of my choice. The best part, it only takes one minute to heat up so on those I can’t believe this is my life moments I can still get a hot cup of coffee, even if it is one in the afternoon. I would have paid 1000 bucks for it and I know others feel the same!

  11. When I went shopping for a baby gift I saw these sheep wool bundle bags that you attach to your baby’s carrier so you don’t have to put them in snowsuits. Do you know how much crying time that will save? I wish I had them for my kids!

    Did you know that Michael Nesmith (from the Monkees) & family are the owners/creators of the Post It Note?

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