Grocery Shopping Gives Me Gas

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I love to shop.

In some Mythical Book Somewheres I read about Hunters and Gatherers. I guess I am both. I Hunt down good deals and Gather them up.

Apparently, I am a Master Multi-tasker.

Grocery shopping, however..is a whole ‘nother drawer in the Big  File Cabinet Of Yuck.

I loathe it. Dread it. Pawn It Off whenever possible. I would rather have an enema with a hot rock than grocery shop. Echoing my husbands favorite cop-out..I would go as far as to say..

 “I can’t. It gives me GAS.”

My Spousal Unit, on the other hand, loves it. He can stand for hours contemplating the best value for our dollar (price divided by estimated noddle count equals Hot Deal on Mac-N-Cheese) or painstaking comb the TPR (Temporary Price Reduction a.k.a Eat Now Or Die) meat section for pork with a low percentage of flubber.

He’s the Extreme Couponing Grocery Shopper, minus the coupons.

Here’s a sample Hubs grocery list:

Milk-whatever is on sale
Bananas-what ever is cheap and is jjjuuussst green enough, or jjuusssst yellow enough to last 3-4 days.
Cereal-Generic is fine for those stinkin picky kids of ours.
Deli Turkey-Deli style? Prepacked? Deli Style? Prepacked? (insert long lengthy decision making algebraic formula )
Canned Peas-Generic is fine. I don’t care if they taste like nothing. That’s what salt and pepper is for.
Tampons– No frickin way. Buy your own. That whole aisle “smells funny”.
Maxi Pads-What? You can’t “reuse?”
Ziploc Sandwich bags-If we buy by the bale, we can save .0001 cents per bag! Hmmm…zip-seal is more money, we will just buy the fold-over kind. Use a stapler if you have to…

..and so on.

Here’s the same list if I go:

Milk: One gallon of Select for fam. One gallon of High Buck Lactose Free for ME. Oh look! There’s matching ice cream!
Bananas: Organic! Must buy organic. Not sure why..maybe so I can say “look, I bought Organic.” Plus these will for sure be Brown Recluse Spider free. Oh look! There’s a matching kite!
Cereal: Ohhh cute box. There’s “whole grains” inside too. Boo-yah! That will cancel out the fact I haven’t exercised in a week. Oh look! There’s a matching Fancy Water Bottle!
Deli Turkey: Which one has less salt content? Oh look! There’s a matching Blood Pressure Monitor!
Canned Peas: Canned my a$$, I’m buying frozen.
Tampons: Super Absorbent, Easy Glide, Bio-degradable. LOOK..there’s a matching Tanker of Midol!
Maxi Pads: Whichever one is the “Cadillac.” It’s my snisket that uses these damn things after all.
Ziploc Sandwich Bags: I am tired of running to the garage (home of the Bale of Ziplocs) so I am buying the Small Box. So what if it computes to “fitty-cents” per bag….and I sooo don’t give a sh*t.

..and so on.

Thus is the reason I have been forbidden to grocery shop for our family.

SEE..there IS a method to my madness. With a matching Ulterior Motive.

Clever, aren’t I?  😉

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