Step on my foot, and my mouth may possibly pop open.
Why you ask?
Well, I seem to rarely have an actual sit-down meal these days. I seem to spend my time standing at my kitchen counter, scavenging the remains of my kids meals.
Kinda like some sort of of demented raccoon.
Heck, at least the raccoon has the decency to wash his food before he dines. Me? I’ve been known to scoop a stray Cheetos off the floor, blow off the dirt, and dispose of it…in my mouth.
Kind of a freaky Kingdom Of TIRED version of the “four second rule.” Only I’ve known to push the envelope and tolerate 20-30 seconds. Cuz I am class like that.
Discarded grilled cheese crusts are my appetizers.
Rejected hot dog chunks, and pre-moistened Fruit Snacks are my main course.
And maybe if I get lucky, someone will abandon some grapes (you know, the ones that are so soft their tops resemble a sphincter? Those are MINE, baby!) so I can have dessert.
Maybe that’s the reason I am down to three pairs of pants that fit. (sphincter says what?)
I think this calls for a little eating “tough love.”
I need to rid myself of my “well, if it’s going to go to waste then it might as well go to MY waist“, mantra and opt for something more realistic like…
“once on the lips, forever on the hips!” An oldy-but-a-goody (thanks Mom).
I think I also need to implement a new rule of “no blogging and eating” as well. I just realized that, as I finish typing these last few sentences, I just consumed an entire can of tomato soup and a sleeve of saltine crackers as long as my arm.
I need to install one of those child proof safety latches that parents use to toddler-proof flip-top garbage cans on my face.
Pass the Mylanta please.