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It’s no secret we have our own lingo in the Kingdom of Tired.
I remember back (not all that long ago) when trying to conduct any conversation with non-sleep-deprived adults. Eleven years into the Journey of Parenthood, I still catch myself talking like some half-baked weirdo. Here’s a few examples. Consider it a primer/guidebook if we should just-so-happen to meet in the offline world. You’re welcome.
Mompursedrain-itis: The affliction that strikes me whenever I go to the grocery store or car repair shop lately. Can nothing be .99 anymore? I go in for four things and come out with four bags…..and a checkbook on life-support.
MomZilla: The time of the evening, let’s say-9:45- when mom it OVER IT and turns into a two-legged version of a T-Rex.
The Snoofs: A.k.a “stuffy nose.” Most prevalent during the months of December-April. Typically leads to a Double-Barrelled-Runny (snot seepage out both sides of nostrils).
Two-Fisted Picker: The result of a prolonged Double Barreled Runny would be a Two-Fisted Picker. Apparently there is cool stuff “up in there.”
Ninja Pooper: The small human in the house who sneaks into the bathroom with stealth and cunning, drops a BOMB…and LEAVES. Also know as the Anti-Flusher.
Diaper-geddon: The kind of explosive diaper that all moms dread. The kind where the PSI (poop per square inch) rivals a cannon full of oatmeal coming out at high speeds. Typically takes a pressure washer, a team of workers, and Haz-Mat suits for everyone for clean-up.
Groggy Froggies: What my kids are every morning when I have to jackhammer them out of bed (except on weekends when I get to sleep in. Then they are up by 6 a.m).
Mudslide south of the border: Tends to happen when someone in the house consumes too much corn or burritos..or both.
Screaming Like a Cornered Weasel: Basically it’s the loud squawking and back-pedaling that occurs when one of mt spawn is caught red-handed at something and trying to get out of it.
The Be-bitchin Hour: The hour between 5 and 6 pm when every mother in the world desperately trying to entertain whiny, hungry children
Wine-nese: The language I suddenly become fluent in as soon as the kids go to bed. From the Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio region
Unheckle Time: That quiet time after all kids are in bed and not in need of a snack, butt wipe, or general request for service….which usually lasts about 5-10 minutes…then I am unconscious in bed.
Lost in the Woods: The code word for all crappy/broken/LOUD/annoying toys that “go missing.”
Example: “Mom, where’s my screaming/flapping/shrieking gorilla toy that I like to make repeatedly squeal like a stuck hog??”
Answer: “Not sure. Must have gotten Lost in the Woods.”
What are your Momfinitions?
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