humor, motherhood, Uncategorized

Momfinitions: The Crap We Moms Say

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Momfinitions

It’s no secret we have our own lingo in the Kingdom of Tired.

I remember back (not all that long ago) when trying to conduct any conversation with non-sleep-deprived adults. Eleven years into the Journey of Parenthood, I still catch myself talking like some half-baked weirdo. Here’s a few examples. Consider it a primer/guidebook if we should just-so-happen to meet in the offline world. You’re welcome.

Mompursedrain-itis: The affliction that strikes me whenever I go to the grocery store or car repair shop lately. Can nothing be .99 anymore? I go in for four things and come out with four bags…..and a checkbook on life-support.

MomZilla: The time of the evening, let’s say-9:45- when mom it OVER IT and turns into a two-legged version of a T-Rex.

The Snoofs: A.k.a “stuffy nose.” Most prevalent during the months of December-April. Typically leads to a Double-Barrelled-Runny (snot seepage out both sides of nostrils).

Two-Fisted Picker: The result of a prolonged Double Barreled Runny would be a Two-Fisted Picker. Apparently there is cool stuff “up in there.”

Ninja Pooper: The small human in the house who sneaks into the bathroom with stealth and cunning, drops a BOMB…and LEAVES. Also know as the Anti-Flusher.

Diaper-geddon: The kind of explosive diaper that all moms dread. The kind where the PSI (poop per square inch) rivals a cannon full of oatmeal coming out at high speeds. Typically takes a pressure washer, a team of workers, and Haz-Mat suits for everyone for clean-up.

Groggy Froggies: What my kids are every morning when I have to jackhammer them out of bed (except on weekends when I get to sleep in. Then they are up by 6 a.m).

Mudslide south of the border: Tends to happen when someone in the house consumes too much corn or burritos..or both.

Screaming Like a Cornered Weasel: Basically it’s the loud squawking and back-pedaling that occurs when one of mt spawn is caught red-handed at something and trying to get out of it.

The Be-bitchin Hour: The hour between 5 and 6 pm when every mother in the world desperately trying to entertain whiny, hungry children

Wine-nese: The language I suddenly become fluent in as soon as the kids go to bed. From the Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio region

Unheckle Time: That quiet time after all kids are in bed and not in need of a snack, butt wipe, or general request for service….which usually lasts about 5-10 minutes…then I am unconscious in bed.

Lost in the Woods: The code word for all crappy/broken/LOUD/annoying toys that “go missing.”

Example: “Mom, where’s my screaming/flapping/shrieking gorilla toy that I like to make repeatedly squeal like a stuck hog??

Answer: “Not sure. Must have gotten Lost in the Woods.

What are your Momfinitions?


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18 thoughts on “Momfinitions: The Crap We Moms Say

  1. “The be-bitchin hour”…classic! Yes, this is the worse time for me, I’m trying to cook and there’s a toddler usually stuck to my leg, a baby in the high chair, and the oldest two doing WWE moves off of the couch…ahhhh!!

  2. LOL – I don’t think there’s such thing as the $.99 store. Anywhere. Visiting from #sitsblogging

    I’d love for you to share your post with my readers at my Motivation Monday Party open Sunday night at 6:30 pm

  3. you say .99 cents – I say – nothing is ever under $100 anymore! for reals – it is getting crazy!!

    lost in the woods – girl you must put those babies to bed at 7 PM!! I do every night they have school – I need me an hour or two for a break!! Otherwise I would NEVER get to speak to my hubbie (not that he can ever take his nose out of his laptop – but a girl can dream)

  4. Walmarting the kids.

    Means to wake them up to go into a store after they’ve fallen asleep in their car seats.

    As in, “you want to walmart them?”

  5. Goggy froggies, oh yes! Where is your time out post frantic mommy? You linked up but I couldn’t find it.

  6. lol….perfect list!! man i can’t think of any of our funny momfinitions…i’m too tired! i’ll get back to you on that one!

  7. Love ‘release the beast’ we use that too and ‘double barreled runny’, hilarious, I might need to borrow that one 🙂

  8. Oh, I don’t have any to share, but now I’m going to have to think up some. How fun! I love playing with words in this way. This morning my son said, “I’m freezing hot!” I love those kinds of word manipulations too — the unintended kind. 🙂

    Thanks for being so kind to stop by my blog. I am like you, most of the time — one tired mama! Too many late nights trying to keep up with what I can’t do during the day. 🙂

  9. Double barrels is what we call it too! And instead of mudslides we have blowouts! LOL!

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