RebeccaFlansburg.com

Author, Book Shepard, Non-Fiction Ghostwriter, Content Coach

Fish Emergency in The Express Lane

humor

**The posts I write might contain affiliate links or be written in collaboration with businesses or brands. Please see my disclosure policy for more information.**


As you may remember awhile back, we bought fish as pets.

I still like them. They are moderately easy to care for and don’t make any noise.

There’s just one problem. We’ve been through about 10 of the little buggers since July. Obviously as fish owners…we suck.

“You’re feeding them too much”…”you’re feeding them too little”..”they need sunlight”….”don’t let sunlight by their tank”..”clean their tank one a week”…”don’t clean their tank once a week“…..frankly, this fish ownership gig is downright confusing.

My daycare lady just shakes her head at our fish follies. “Mine have been alive for years”, she says. YEARS……

I told her to give ’em to me. I’ll have them dead in a week (not on purpose, mind you).

And tears…oh my goodness the TEARS that are shed by a certain 6 year old boy every time one of his fish Bites The Big One. They say the first time you flush a fish is the hardest…ok…nobody says that. I just made it up.

We are thinking of buying stock in the Kleenex company.

Recently, this same 6 year old just left on weekend hunting trip with Daddy.

“Take care of my fish, Mommy”, were his final words as he trotted out of the house.

I knew in that instant…I was DOOMED.

Sure as heck, the next morning there was a friggin deceased fish in the %%$@@!! tank.

Oi.

BUT..being the clever sort that I am, I made an emergency trip to Wal-Mart for a replacement. Although I am NOT a big fan of Wally-World, I will have to say I get the best service from the Fish Dudes in that store.

I think they just feel sorry for me.

I am waiting for them to offer me frequent flier miles.

Oh lucky day! There is ONE fish left that is right kind and size. Victory!

Sacked up and secure, I happily load my fish into my cart. I finish shopping and head for the checkout. The “20 items or less” lane is empty. ROCK ON. I pull in, smile politely at the cashier, and reach to pull my plump bag-o-water & fish from my cart..

THEN…it happens.

Before you can say “gill plates” my precious fish is falling towards the floor. THE FLOOR.

SPLOOSH!

SH*T!

The scene that followed will probably end up under the heading “The People Of Wal-Mart” on Utube somewhere…soon.

Need a preview? Picture this. Picture a chubby 43 year old mother standing in the checkout line shrieking “HELP! FISH EMERGENCY! HELP!” And doing it in a pool of water the size of Lake Erie.

oh.yes.I.did.

Desperately I scoop up my poor fish and what’s left of the bag (which has about a tablespoons worth of water left) and deposit him inside.

An angel appears. No..it’s one of the Fish Dudes. It was either my hysteric cries for help that caught his attention, or the onslaught of water that’s creeping across the floor.

Leaping into action he seizes what’s left of my water bag and fish and begins to sprint back toward the Fish Department. With me shouting at the back of his head “whatever you do…I NEED THAT FISH!”.

I’m a class act. That’s for sure.

Minutes later he returns with my precious (effing) fish in a fresh bag of wa-wa. His face flushed and proud. He rocks. He is my new hero.

Flustered and embarrassed, I pay for the Increda-Fish (yes, the poor little bugger lived through all of this). The cashier giggles and asks what our new fish’s name is.

“Splat”, I answered without batting an eye. “His name is Splat”.

Days later, Beloved Son arrives home from his trip and immediately runs to greet his fish. After a few minutes he says “hey Mom. My black fish looks…weird”.

My heart stop and my palms get sweaty. “Why do you say that?”, I ask innocently.

“He’s got this weird mark on his side. I wonder what it is…?”

Road rash, I think silently to myself. It’s frickin Road Rash.

Please share!
error
fb-share-icon
Tweet
fb-share-icon

·

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. OMG, I literally was laughing out loud. Thanks, I needed a good laugh

  2. I’ve never really known anyone to keep their fish alive. Always makes me wonder about people that spend $100s of dollars on a fish.

  3. I’m heading over to The People of Wal-mart website right now to check for the video. Nah, maybe not. I love the visuals I already have in my head.

  4. PRICELESS. My ex’s daughter’s fish bit it while she was at her mother’s. Same situation – minus the checkout drama. I think we replaced those damn fish like 10 times. Luckily, she got a cat at her mom’s house and lost interest in fish…

  5. OMgoodness! That is absolutely hilarious! And a little horrifying. I would have just died if that had happened to me. Or you know raced out of the store leaving my fish behind to fight for itself! We had horrible luck with fish too. I finally gave up. I had the brilliant idea of giving away goldfish at my son’s Finding Nemo bday party…how cute were those party favors. Only we got stuck with all the extras. Like 10 of them! Slowly they died. I have no idea what I was doing wrong! And we also attempted a beta once bc I’d heard that they are virtually impossible to kill. It survived two weeks. And man are those ugly to find floating in the tank! We should start a support group…”Those who can’t keep their fish alive to save their own lives!” lol

  6. That was great! The story that is, not killing the fish. I can sympathize with you though. Don’t feel bad though,I kill plants also! I can’t even keep a cactus alive! I’m with the lady having the dog. They are definitely tougher.

    Thanks!

    PJ

  7. Too funny!

    I remember fish (& birds) being awfully “delicate,” even when I was a kid.
    The next time you’re in that Walmart, you should put in a good comment for the fish department guy!

    Happy SITS feature day!

  9. My talent is in the plant genre. Our pets live way too long- plants? dead in a week MAX!

  10. Oh my! I’m glad the fish was saved. –Leave it to a kid to notice everything you don’t want him or her too!

  11. that is hysterical! one of the funniest posts i have ever read! mad props to the fish dude. “road rash” oh my heck that is one lucky fishy! =D

  13. Just came by from SITS! That story is so damn funny!! I’ve been debating on getting fish for my little ones….You have convinced me that we need to stay pet free for a while longer! Our dog drowned last year…If I can kill a dog, imagine what I would do to a fish! ugh!

    (disclaimer-I wasn’t home when Goose drowned..it was an accident…but still I feel awful) I cried more than my kids

  15. Happy SITS day!

    I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one who “takes care of fish” the way you do!

    Splat! LOL!

  18. That may be the most hilarious thing I’ve every read!! This is the sort of stuff I thought only happened to me and my three sons!! Thanks for encouragement!

  19. LoL! I mean literally I loled at that post! Fish are hard to take care of. I’m so glad you were able to find a replacement. I’m also glad I’m not the only one embarrassing things happen to at wally world.

  20. I can totally picture the whole thing! I am laughing too hard right now!

    I will have to remember what NOT to do when my boys get to fish ownership age. Including, always double bag the fish at Walmart!

  21. hahaha. That’s great. No worries, I could never keep a fish alive more than two weeks.

  22. I needed this laugh today. We don’t have fish (only an 80 lb puppy) and I have no desire to have a fish for that very reason. I have had many conversations with my sister at the oddest hours as she’s driving somewhere to replace “Goldie.”

    Happy SITS day!

  23. What an amazing post! I feel your pain with the fish… they are almost as hard to keep alive as house plants for me… luckily dogs seem to be easier, or I would have been a complete emotional wreck by now… here’s to your son never finding out!

  26. Oh how embarrassing! Hey, I thought I saw your picture on the People of Walmart email. 😉

  27. That was so funny! All the things I have to look forward to as my little ones grow! Happy SITS day!

  28. Hysterical!

    I’ve been through my share of fish. The ones we currently have though seem to be some mutant breed that will live FOREVER!

  32. That is too funny! We’ve had the same problem with fish, baby turtles and teeny, tiny crabs. I’m surprised our cat and dog have survived! 😀

    Happy SITS day!

  33. Oh yes, been there, flushed that. Fish in our house are lovingly called “toilet food.” So we switched to a corn snake which is now hiding in the walls of our house. Yikes! And Wal-Mart is referred to as “Hell-Mart” in our house! Awesome blog.

  35. Fish, you think. How hard could they be? Thinking back to my own tears shed over many a dead goldfish, I know my daughter’s first pet will be a cat or a rabbit or a bird or rat. Anything but an oh-so-easy-to-kill fish.

  36. ROTFL!! Poor Splat! I love his new name.

    A long time ago I asked my mom to drop in and feed our cat while we were on vacation. Long story short, the cat got out and she actually tried to replace him with a look-a-like. It might have actually worked except that when we got home, the imposter was in the house, and our real cat was waiting on the doorstep! You can’t blame a mom for trying:)

  37. Happy SITS Day!! I loved this story! Hilarious! Isn’t it amazing what we do for our kiddos? I wish I would have been there with you trying to get that fish back in the bag! 🙂 Thanks for the great laugh and congrats again!!

  38. Happy SITS day! That is flippin’ hilarious. If this is only one day out of your life, I’m definitely your newest follower!

  40. Oh my lord what a funny scene!!Also not a fan of the Walmart,but a mom’s gotta do………….
    We’ve never attempted fish beyond the won goldfish at the school fair that promptly die within a week(at least in our house). I’ve had better luck with dogs!Happy SITS day!

  42. Oh my gosh! This is hysterically funny. Road rash? Splat?

    We had a water frog for years. Years! I hated that thing. It stunk! We got a kitten…there was lots of blood…the water frog was no more. Problem solved.

  43. 🙂 I would have the same problem. I can’t seem to keep plants alive either. My dog-piece of cake. But plants? Nu-uh. I love the new name, it’s fitting!

    Happy Sits day!

  44. Road rash!!! Oh, so funny!

    We, too, have had awful luck with fish. My husband is the sucker who can’t stop winning the fish at our hometown’s annual big deal carnival.

    Here’s my secret… I freakin’ hate the fish and silently do a little happy dance whey they’re belly up. Although ours don’t have the good fortune to just go belly up. We have a predator in our house named Princess who gets them every dang time. We’ve tried every cover available to man, but that cat has mad cat burglar skills. Now, if only she could apply those skills to using the toilet, we’d be all set.

    We did have one fish that lived 4 years. I’m not sure why Princess left that one named Jerry alone, but he survived, until my sister babysat him for us while we were on vacation. It seems she filled Jerry’s bowl too high and Jerry did his best fish-flop and landed on the floor while my sister was at work. He was stranded for 8 hours. My sister did her best to revive him, whatever that is, but to no avail. We now call my sister the Jerry Killer.

    Great blog. I can’t wait to read more!

  45. We had a fish that we got for my cat and the damn thing lived for like 4 years. And the cat would stick her paws and her face in the bowl all the time and bat at the fish and he would play back with her. My mom decided she didn’t want the fish anymore and I knew I would take care of it, so I gave him to my friend. He was dead within a week.

  46. If you’re tired of fish, I could send you a couple of roosters. If they died, at least there would be enough meat on them to make a meal!

  47. Hysterical! Sooo how is “Splat” doing?

    Oh and I didn’t even realize Walmart had a fish department….You learn something new every day.

  48. This is freaking hilarious…I mean I feel for ya, but it’s funny. We were the same; we could not keep fish, no matter how hard we tried. I’d name one, and it’d end up dying.:) We ended up getting rid of them last year; actually I think all but one or two had died, and we ended up giving the whole aquarium to someone….

  50. I was cracking up the entire time I read this but at the same time suffered from a little mommy guilt I killed the fish in our house last year and i didn’t even try to replace it we put him down the manhole and said our goodbyes lol
    Happy sits day

  51. BAWAHAHAHAHA!! The best thing Ive read all morning. Thanks for the vivid pictures of the fish guy aka your hero. Wish I could have seen it.
    Glad that all is well with SPLAT and your son.
    🙂

  52. yep, I could see that happening to me too. There is a website called the thepeopleofwalmart.com and it does have some hilarious and gross pictures. Some are not for little eyes so beware.

  53. stopping by from SITS. 🙂 This is hilarious. We also have a fish tank that started with 10 fish and now has 2. They just die so daggone easily!

  54. Blame it on your water. I know our local pet store had to warn fish owners about the public water. Something about the chloramines.

  56. Oh gross! I can just imagine it flapping on the floor. Nothing gets by kids though!

  60. Oh my goodness, that is hilarious. Thanks for sharing, I hope it makes your experience a little more “worth it” to know that you made a bunch of other people smile. 🙂

    Have an Extraordinary Day!

  61. Thank you for the laugh. I needed it. Happy SITS day.

    Children notice everything!

    LisaDay

  63. Happy Sits Day!!! Sorry I posted that here, but I couldnt resist not reading this. I am crying Im laughing so hard!!! 🙂

  65. OMG that is so funny and I can so picture it! Thanks for being another who admits not liking Walmart. I always feel like I need a disguise to go into the joint. So is Splat still with us?

  67. Oh this is the best! Splat the fish!
    Now I need to go check the archives of People of WalMart… Haha

  68. That’s a great story! I’ve killed three fish in the past year. I won’t replace the things because I found keeping fish alive is tougher than keeping our dog alive.

    I’m thinking this spring I’ll get my daughter a Beta. Those things are bulletproof.

  69. Oh this is my favorite type of post! LOL! WE are the worst fish parents ever – we just gave up. We are great dog parents though. Much harder to kill a labrador.

  70. This was an awesome post! I remember this, it was sucky and FUNNY! Thank you for linking up, friend. 🙂

  72. thats awesome…but, the things you will do for your kids…
    All my fish used to get the Ick…i just stopped trying.

  73. OH you poor thing. When I was growing up, it was rabbits in our family. We went through three, I think. Kept losing them. And they’re much harder to replace.

    Kudos to the fish dudes!!!

    Maybe you should buy stock in fish instead of kleenex??? LOL

    xoxo,

    ~2Shaye

  75. Frantic Mommy, oh my, this is quite the scenario. You did a great job of painting the picture for us. I’ll bet there isn’t a mother out there who can’t relate on some level. I hate dead things. Therefore, we select our pets very carefully. Right now we’ve got a couple of cats and they are doing well, thanks to people other than me. 🙂 Many a fish has died at my hands too and I still have nightmares about it. All best with Splat — what a name!

  79. This is why I am scared to get fish, because this will be me at the local pet store every time the fish kicks it

  80. Oh, gracious! I say flush ’em all, and start over again with a cat or a dog. Or maybe a hamster? If you dropped one of those on the floor, you’d probably be able to make a more graceful recovery, no? SITS sent me by, and I’m glad they did…Hope you and yours had the Best Turkey Day Ever!

    Thanksgiving Reflections

  81. OMG! That is hysterical! I can just picture this. I hope it does end up on You Tube. I want to see it in live action and in full color!

  82. Oh, that’s priceless! You are the queen of fishdom. Love it!

    Thanks for the chuckle tonight. I really needed that. 😉

    Hope this one survives!

  84. Bahaha! That’s an awesome story.
    I know that if I got a fish I would kill it too. Not on purpose either! I know lots of people who have problems with fish though, so you’re not alone.
    My husband’s family had a fish for like YEARS and years. It was a goldfish. It got bigger and bigger. It was sick. When it died it was like Elvis. Bloated and had crap on it’s behind. SICK.

  85. That’s too funny. I can’t believe you have so much trouble with fish.

    I don’t think I know anybody who killed that many in such a short time. I found that the best pet is Goldfish. They will live forever.

  86. That is hilarious! Just tell your son he’s like “Gil” from Finding Nemo… battle scars from the ocean!

    We’ve had a few fish adventures, too (pre-children) – including a fish that completely DISAPPEARED and then reappeared as nothing by BONES a few days later. (Creepy!)

    We just have a dog now. They’re a lot tougher than fish. 🙂

error

Stay in the Loop!

Verified by MonsterInsights