parenthood

Epic Parent Fail #1,000,000,001 (a.k.a. Yet Another Reason I Will Not Get Parent of The Year)

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In all reality, I have no excuse.

I am notorious for over-extending myself, taking on too many projects, and not knowing when to say “NO, I AM SORRY. I CAN’T.”

Topped off by the fact that, during the holiday season, my brain apparently leaves the building, heads to the North Pole with Santa, and stays there for a stretch of time. I have my suspicion that it ends up up the hind end of one of his reindeer as well.

Uber-forgetful is my middle name for the month of December.

Not sure why, I just know I get a quasi-form of Early-Onset-Alzheimer’s-Short-Term-Memory-Loss that miraculously rights itself right around January 2nd.

Last night was no exception. I shall subtitle this one “Epic Parent Fail #1,000,000,001.

Let me set the stage for you. It’s time for Prince Jake’s Second Grade Christmas Program. The notice (you know, the one that’s been hanging on the fridge for a week?) states the kids are to wear:
1. Specific colors: Black or, white or red.
2. blah, blah, blah, blah..and boys are encouraged to wear ties.

…I faded off somewhere after that send line. Epic Fail #1. So, in my head of course, I think “oh yeah, we have dress-up clothes for Jake.”  My hubby, bless his heart, nags encourages me to actually LOOK for said “dress-up clothes”. I skim, I glance, I half-ass look look through his closet and spy what I deem to be Acceptable Formal Wear For Boys. Epic Fail #2

Do I pull it out and examine it? Effff no. Epic Fail #3.

Fast forward to the night of the Christmas Program. I arrive home from work, late, ornery, harried (normal) after, dare I say, one of the crappiest days I have had at work in a long time. But thrilled to be home to my family nonetheless. Christmas Program time is 46 minutes away and counting. Supper is wolfed down, small children are rounded up, and I herd Jake to his room to “get him dressed.” That’s where things start coming off the rails.

Dress Shirt: That white polo shirt that was last years “dress shirt” kinda fits him like a wet suit this year. Too small? Slightly. Any long-sleeved shirts anywhere? Frick no.

No time to fuss…carry on.

Tie: Are ties acceptable to wear with a short sleeved polo? Crud.

Tie part 2: Does anyone in this damn house know how to tie a  damn tie?? Quick, go ask Sara. Maybe she knows (the 5 year-old).

Pants: Black. Looks..OK. Since when did these dang things get so faded? (Christmas Program departure time is now 11 minutes away. Mom’s B.P is now up to 220/120). Any other acceptable pants available? No, of course not. Plow forward regardless.

Shoes: Shoes? Crap. Where’s his dress shoes? I found one…yes just one. Where’s the other damn shoes!!?? Yes, yes, tennis shoes will be fine (be quiet Daddy, I don’t care if they have a hole in the toe. No, no, I don’t think he looks like a homeless kid). Shoes on. Onward we go!

Whew! In the car. Everyone have their stuff? Me? Of course I have my stuff…

..what stuff?

Camera? Any recording-device-whatsoever? Brain?

UMMM……No, no, and somewhere at the North Pole up a Reindeer’s sphincter.

Child delivered to classroom, CHECK. Noting that he is the only boy without a tie. CHECK. Slinking down hall to gymnasium. CHECK. Feeling like worst parent in the world? CHECK.

I lament to hubs I wish I had the camer. His response? You seriously want to record this fiasco for eternity?

No, I guess not. I will however, be making a voyage to the department store tomorrow to purchase a long sleeve shirt and a clip-on tie.

And find that other damn shoe.

I will also note on the calendar, in the vicinity of the month of December,  to DOUBLE CHECK DRESS CLOTHES.

Mortified to the maxiumus? CHECK

 
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16 thoughts on “Epic Parent Fail #1,000,000,001 (a.k.a. Yet Another Reason I Will Not Get Parent of The Year)

  1. “loser Mommy Award”. Love.IT!
    I just re-read this post and realized how much I typed “damn”. There goes my efforts to clean up my “blog language” DAMMIT. 😉

  2. If this is any comfort at all: You are not alone! Good news is when the boys get old enough, it becomes UNCOOL to wear proper festive clothing even if the flyer says so. My 12 yo insisted on wearing his gym shoes to his band concert because they are black so formal enough. Hey, saves money!

  3. You are cracking me up!! My friends and I, the mom’s up at my kiddos school, joke around about who wins “the loser mommy award,” for the day. I tell you, no matter how much I try to plan ahead, I am NEVER prepared and we are ALWAYS late! So, at least you weren’t late:) Also, kiddos now days rarely have to dress up, so it seems like I never think to make sure they have those types of clothes!! LOVED your post!

  4. I’m sorry I’m laughing at this/you so much! Only because I can relate, I promise. Actually, this is a VERY timely reminder to me- my daughter has a concert this Tuesday and she also needs specific-colored dress clothes. I better get on that this weekend!

  5. I was a public school music teacher for 9 years BC (before children). One principal I had insisted that I not allow children onstage if they are not dressed perfectly. Elementary school kids. Umm… that’s a little illegal (we’d need to provide the clothing for all the children in case any one child could not afford them). I was also expected to confront the parents both before and after the concert and even give all 500 parents a PHONE CALL prior to the performance to make sure they understood the “rules.” I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when she refused to grant me tenure since I refused to follow all of her directions in that regards. I was STOKED when she decided to take an early retirement package!

  6. Well, I didn’t read about it in the paper or see anything on utube so it’s not as bad as you think – it could be worse. Atleast you delivered the correct kid to the correct school program. I guarantee in later years Jake and his wife will be reminding you of this moment and you will all laugh! P.S. I know how to tie those ties – call me next time!

  7. oh man! sorry!! hey, perhaps after the turkey is baked next thanksgiving, that’s the time to start with the preps. lol. kidding.

    hey, your fam loves you. LOVES YOU. for you! 🙂 we do too! (but thanks for the hilarious laughter). you wonder why i don’t go to church. heh heh. …makes me remember when we went to the new year’s eve candlelighting service. yeah like i watched my 4 year old daughter super super close with hers!! especially when she wanted to see the words on the program. yikes.

  8. Uggghhh it never fails does it. I always do this, I think everything is in order & then BAM it all slaps you in the face. Super smart idea to jot it on next year’s calendar!!!

  9. I think there’s some huge contraption somewhere that does this massive mind suck at the beginning of November and doesn’t expel everything out until end of January. I hate it!

  10. The best part of this is that you would think, after making these sorts of mistakes eleventy bilion times already, we’d learn and plan ahead….but do we? Nope. Will we ever learn? I doubt it.
    Because then we’d have no blog material! 😛

  11. Right there with ya…and this year is really bad. We also have 3 bday’s within a week, and I forsee a lot “I’m sorry” in my future. Love your blog!

  12. Anonymous: You are absolutley right. Thanks for pointing that out. No harm intended.

  13. I know you were joking around,but please be very careful about comments regarding early onset Alzheimers. They can be very hurtful to those of us who have personally seen a loved one fall victim to this disease in their
    40s and 50s. It is truly an awful disease. For some reason, people think it is more acceptable to joke about this illness than say, the early stages of cancer. I hope I do not come off as being rude, but I am just doing what I can to help and protect the dignity of those who have this illness and the people who love them and miss them. Take care and blessings to you! Thank you.

  14. Thanks you two. You’re right tho. We were the only ones who noticed. jake never did. he was just thrilled he got to use bells and a glow stick during the program 🙂

  15. But he still looked handsome and had fun. Plus, I bet there were cookies after the program, which is all the kids really care about 🙂

  16. There is just something about this time of year that destroys my brain too. Ugh. I’m sure he looked just fine and this little incident won’t matter a bit later in his life…. at least that’s what I tell myself when I make mistakes 😉

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